everybody hates me Even though I am about to cry, I am still gonna post. I deleted some things that shouldn't have even been said. I would like to apologize to Kristen. I was not awake at all when I typed that mean post earlier this morning. I stood at work all day long trying to remember what I had written, and, once I did, I realized how it didn't make any sense at all. I even came up with a zillion rebuttles for myself. I am not one to push my beliefs into other people's faces. I just don't do that. I know what I know and believe in it and hope that others might find values that they can feel similar about. Same with those alternatives to declawing. Declawing makes the contradictions in my head pop up all over the place. You're a vegetarian, but yet you would declaw your pet. and on and on and on. The truth is that sometimes I'm contradictory like that. I know circuses are bad, and I would not go to one today, but yet I'm obsessed with P.T. Barnum. I love the circus-era of the 1800s. I even have this picture of a circus train unloading elephants, which used to hang in my old living room. And then in the next room were stickers that said: "Support Organic Farmers! I LOVE my Co-op!" I'll be the first to admit, I have a lot to learn in this world of flip-flopped values. What I do know, is that I have one of the best teachers on the planet-- my husband.

We met at an environmental college 5 years ago. I was in high school and had obsessed over the students and everything about the school and the area. It all began in high school...I picked up on some of their beliefs through bumper stickers (kill your television), t-shirts, posters in the Union, you NAME it, and I tried to be like them. But it wasn't until I met John that I became one of them. John has been into activism since he was a teen. For example, he and his best friend once made a stuffed hunter (kind of like a scarecrow), strapped it to the hood of their car, and drove around small towns. He has taught me SO MUCH. I am still learning. I don't want to act like I know everything. I am sorry if I came across that way.

I have been through so much lately. I just take everything as a personal attack. I'm really, truly sorry. That wasn't me at all. I knew I shouldn't have said a thing. I just wanted to express my hurt in words that might hurt others. I'm trying to be a smart, environmentally-aware person. As far as the Earth is concerned, well, without it, no one would be here. It's our job to take care of it the best we can.

I really am sorry. I do appreciate new ideas. I suppose I could check into some of those things and give them a try before I go and do something drastic to my kitten. Once you work really hard and stive for a dream (even if it's selling your dream house, as it was in my case) and moving into a nice, but not exactly what you want, kind of house, you come to see it as everything material that it is. I just know how hard it was to get here, in this spot. It all cost money, and I know how hard it was to get it (emotionally, especially). I know my cat is a little life, and that life should definately come before material objects, but sometimes it's easy to see it the other way...for example...circuses as fun, entertainment for children vs. animal cruelty...the cow and something so important to India..yet the way they abuse them.

And for the person who said that I should be spayed...I don't know who you are, but I just want you to know that what you wrote was possibly the meanest thing anyone could have said to me. I never wanted kids growing up, but when I met John, all I could think about was what babies meant. 1/2 of him, and 1/2 of me, combined, forever, so that our love could be represented for generations to come...I can't even express how much I'd love our babies. Oh my...it just makes me want to cry. To have a baby with him would be the best thing to EVER happen to me. You might not know this, because you're anonymous, but we've been married for nearly 4 years. I have a medical condition (I don't even know exactly what condition it is! they have yet to figure it out) that doesn't allow me to have children. I would have to go to the hospital and receive treatments. I started going last year and was just on the way to meeting with an expert at another hospital when my insurance was cancelled. So, it's just been another year of trying and crossing fingers and then realizing that it's not going to happen, again. I've seen my cousins and newlywed friends around me get pregnant, and it tears my heart apart. So, if you didn't know that, now you do. It's an extremely sensitive subject.

Over all, I'm sorry for snapping and being so immature. We can't learn unless we are taught, and I will always be open to learning.  ¶ 7:13 PM